Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Shove Your (Album) Where it _Do_ Shine: Santi is not R and B

Santi's sound, unlike her Converse ad, is definitely not paper thin ...

Peep Santogold here and here

Santogold is slamming critics who are calling her an emcee and retailers who are putting her album in the R&B and Hip-Hop sections. She isn't without merit.

Whats not disputable is how hot this album is. It is definitely the truth. Not like "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" truth. Or "If I Did It" truth. More like the truth Tom Cruise couldnt handle in "A Few Good Men."

On "Creator," on a synthesize laden beat reminiscent of a M.I.A. and Lil John collaboration, Santo spits beautifully. And on a couple of other tracks, like the dub awesome "You'll Find a Way" she does the rap/chant deal real smoothly, deftly moving between singing, chanting, and harmonizing over a haunting (like georgia anne muldrow haunting) chorus. But for the most part, these tracks are like if Cyndi Lauper got jungle fever. Or if Elastica had Tina Turner and MC Lyte as lead singers. She's coming to a Budweiser commercial near you (see "Lights Out")... and she sounds more like Corinne Bailey Rae doing guest vocals with The Breeders than Trina guesting with Destiny's Child.

Put her in the Rock/Pop section already, Sam Goody. And put her in rotation, MTV.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Canadian Football (That's the catchy title)

Another import (pun intended) from "Sacred Cattle." In honor of the Roughriders going 5-0, which evidently matters.

Spent the weekend up in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada with the in-laws and among other things took in some Grey Cup pre-game festivities and fulfilled a childhood dream of attending the 94th Annual Grey Cup, pitting the British Columbia Lions and the Montreal Alouettes (that's Mawhn-dray-awl Ah-loo-ett, styoopid ah-mare-ee-can!), which the BC Lions won, 25-14.
So here are some things I learned about Canadian Football, in no particular order or significance (in honor of the Canadian brand of football, which to my sensibility plays out in no particular order nor is it of much significance to most Americans):
1) For pre-game prep, we drank 'Kokanee.' Not 'Kokane,' as Cornrow Wallace put it, which consists of crack, baking powder, egg, and cinnamon, but "Kokanee." "Kokanee" in a can http://www.kokaneebeer.com/ does not taste like RedBalls, nor will you be able to lift a transit bus after consuming one, but it is quite passable. It's basically Bud Light. Wouldn't go so far as to call it "Glacier Fresh," but the folks in Creston, B.C. have something to be proud of as they have earned a discerning fan. Sure beats "Pilsner," which tastes like the foot.
As far as the matchup is concerned, an "Alouette" is a lark. Here is the fearless mascot in action: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dOo5W3aShFU. Its Aw-inspiring. As in "Aww, their mascot is a doofus bird. Let's have a Pilsner, eh?"

2) Oh, and the people behind us "Would rather be Bombers than effin Riders fans." Which is sung in the tune of "Dixie," which leads me to my next offering …

3) A band at the pre-game festivities, actually played "Sweet Home Man-i-toba." Evidently there are rednecks north of the Mason-Dixon. You'll pardon me if I was uncomfortable hanging out with these people … or even mentioning 'hanging' anywhere around them.

4) On to the rest of the league. Winnipeg's mascot, by the way, is the "Blue Bomber." Read my description first, then click the link … basically a human-sized crow wearing Kool Moe Dee's shades http://www.bluebombers.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=50&Itemid=70

5) There is, evidently, a vast difference between a RoughRider and a Rough Rider. From what I hear, the vast difference is that Ottawa lacks an intact vas deferens. This of course, coming from people whose mascot is "Gainer the Gopher." A roughriding gopher. I gotta say it … Canadian Football, in one word … Cute. In two words? Terminally cute. You just wanna hug Canadian Football, pat it on its head or on the ass and say "Good try, Chum. Now, let's have an Elsinore. Coo-Coo-Coo Coo Coo-Coo-Coo" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3DYbE44OIE

6) A "Ti-Cat" is not that sadistic game you played when you were a kid, when you tied up two cats by their tails, affixed a Roman candle, and threw both of them off of the Mermentau Bridge in Mermentau, Louisiana, 20 miles west of Will's home town of Crowley, Louisiana. Sick bastard. (They are the 4-14 Hamilton TigerCats, whose fullback Julian Radlein looks like Ziggy Marley http://www.ticat.ca/).

7) Not in the CFL, but worth mentioning, are the University of Ottawa Gee-Gees. Yeah. Gee-Gees. You can tell by the way they use their walk … Lloyd Banks and 50-Cent are their mascots. It used to be Ricky Ross and Iceberg Slim, but they are now O Gee-Gees.

8) The CFL field is substantially different from an NFL or NCAA one. For one, they are 130 yards long with 20 yard end zones. And over 75 yards wide, compared to 57 for the NFL/NCAA. Also, goal posts are at the front of the end zone, not the back. And finally, tie games are settled by a slapping contest between the head cheerleaders. Here is the classic 1998 Grey Cup, decided in an unprecedented 20 overtimes http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75YJecAzrRA.

9) And finally, I need a witch's tit to compare temps, but I'm pretty sure Winnipeg was colder.

10) And finally, as are all American football games of import, this was an opportunity for the Canadian Armed Forces to show off their prowess in a statement of national pride, heritage, tradition, and sovereignty. Yeah. The fly-over, made by a McDonnell Douglas F-15 A (american-made, and out of service in the American armed forces since like, I dont know, Korea?) was about a minute late. This after the "Snowbirds" were about two minutes late. Don't know about you, but I hope these guys don't get to use grenades ... The Canadian Armed Forces in two words? Also cute.

Well that's all for now. In honor of Canadian multiculturalism, I will sign off bilingually:

C'est tout, mes amis. Et toujours, je te veux maintenant, babee, sur la planchee, s'il te plait!

"Where's my Money?" MacFarlane on Women and Tenure

"Mmm, that's good OJ ..."

What follows is Sokalian satire fit for the pages of AndyBorowitz.com: Indulge yourselves, bitches:

You guys ever see the Family Guy bit where Stewie breaks to OJ glass over Brian's head and beats the dog (pun intended) out of him for like 5 painful minutes while screaming "Where's my money, man?"

Stewie punches and kicks Brian 13 times, beats him with a towel rod six times, then slams his head in the toilet twice after bashing him in the face with an orange juice glass. 1-13-2-6.
Then, Stewie kicks him down the stairs, hits him 13 times with a golf club, shoots him twice, then pistol whips him six times. 1-13-2-6.

Macfarlane is a nutty guy, probably both ADD and OCD to boot, but I bet there's some kinda interesting secret here. My best guess is that the 1-13-2-6 is a date - January 13, 1926. Which is the birthday of? You guessed it, Carolyn Gold Heilbrun. Most notable for authoring Lady Ottoline's Album, but also known for penning a series of fictional, semi-biographical criticisms of her life in the academy (she was an Ivy league professor for many years). Her most famous of this sort is Death in a Tenured Position.

So perhaps what MacFarlane is telling us is that women in the academy who seek tenure are often denied it by men in power; their wishes and desires for reasonable compensation and respect for the work their teaching and research often deferred, postponed, and overlooked by the tenure process. And that if they continue to wait patiently for their due without demanding it, they are likely to die before they are given the respect they deserve.

In this instance, Brian, the Ivy league educated aesthete of the family, denies Stewie the respect he deserves. He has tenure over Stewie (Brian has been in the family 6-7 years, Stewie is only in his second year) and Stewie is a minority in the family, as no one ever hears his voice (Meg is also a minority, and she is so deluded by her experiences in this family that she later becomes a man named "Ron" in "Family Guy Presents Stewie: The Untold Story").

Perhaps Macfarlane is both advising women in the academy and praising those who have come before them ... to destroy the system that oppresses them and persistently dog the individuals and departments who have denied them what they have earned until they relent.
They work hard for the money. Run that before they break a towel rod across your head. Hell hath no fury ...

Or maybe its not January 13, 1926, but January 13, 1962 and Macfarlane is signifying on a London Daily Mirror article that ran on the same day, featuring a story entitled "Death of a Hero," about a dog that tried to rescue a human from a burning building. Clearly, that's why Stewie inexplicably sets Brian on fire at the end.

Either way. I like the first one better.