Euphemisms Gone Wild

Smilin' Bob

The "Backdoor Man" himself, Howlin' Wolf, enjoying a smoke after hittin Smilin' Susie

Perhaps its because I am now back in the Bible Belt and that's the way TV rolls down here, or perhaps it is because the FCC has become so fascistic an organization (due to the Parents Television Council's uber-powerful lobby) that folks are far beyond Carlin's "Seven Dirty Words" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_dirty_words and have moved on to any word that might sound like or be related to or might evoke an image of any of the aforementioned seven words.

And yet Dick Armey is still on the loose http://www.freedomworks.org/armey/.

But I saw a television commercial last evening so utterly ridiculous that I fear we are but mere decades away from previously thought incoherent mumbles, clicks, and finger snaps as words are phased out of existence. For fear that every utterance will offend the person next to you.

Mutually assured linguistic destruction. Stick with me here, men and womyn.

So I saw this commercial last night about "male enhancement." A euphemism that entered our language due to products like Viagra, Levitra and Cialis who want to market their products in prime time and not incur $300,000 fines every time their commercials aired. A truly inelegant and errant euphemism, if I've ever heard one. Seriously, twenty years ago, if someone mentioned male enhancement, wouldnt you think it meant something else? Like maybe it would help you grow a cool, manly, macho beard . Or something to help you grow big, burly muscles. Or maybe grow long, thick locks of hair that the ladies love.

You get the point. Hopefully.

But we all know now that male enhancement is a euphemism for making your man stick more wooden. Um. Making your bologna meatier. No. Making your nightstick stiff enough to beat minorities for fun ...

Dammit. Its contagious.

This commercial the other night literally used the words "that certain part of the male body" like 13 times. You know, its male enhancement for "that certain part of the male body." Hey, numbnuts. We know that youre talking about his willie. They had doctors (you know, people who play them on TV) saying that their product enhanced "that certain part of the male body."

C'mon. Say "make your penis bigger." Or "engorge your male genitals with blood by vasodilation." Or "help you feel more manly in a way that women really don't care about as much as you think ... I mean seriously, how about you work on your personality, douche?" Either of those would work.

But a doctor trying to sell me on enhancing that "certain part of the male body" makes me feel like I am a carbuncular, wheezing 12 year old getting the sex talk from "Charly" in Flowers from Algernon (translation? A Dee-de-dee).

And who truly loses out here? Foreigners. Can you imagine? This is gotta be getting lost in translation pretty badly. So here are the ten "certain parts of the male body" and how this idiotic product would make them more manly. So these people can go and have coitus while all alone.
Hey, I like euphemisms, too.

10. Feet - product will increase the size of your feet by 50%. Cuz you know what they say about guys with big feet? Mostly stop tripping over your own feet, you clumsy f**k.

9. Hair - product will increase the size of your hair three fold. Your fade will tight like Gary Coleman's.

8. Lips - You'll look like Steve Tyler in a month's time. Manly like M. Night Shymalan hides plots.

7. Hands - Big hands, you know you're the one. Next time you smack that ass, dislocate her hip.

6. Knuckles - because nothing says manly like systemic juvenile rheumatoid arthritis. Or really big red knuckles.

Serious how could you possibly get that reference?

5. Knees - not funny. I have gigantic knee caps. Seriously. Chicks dont dig that. F**k that.

4. Forehead - Especially when it glistens a little bit from your hair product, like you belong in an early 90's R&B music video.

3. Soleus - Most jackasses go for the bicep curls and the tricep pulldowns. A ripped soleus is like the new 6 pack abs.

2. Eyes - product will make your shit look like Bernie Mac's. You'll always look like you got Graves disease. Ladies love it because you always get the cartoon big eyes when you see them, and they think you checkin em out and s%$t.

1. Brain - dude that's so gay. Women dont like big brains. Dumbass. Now move while I put this malleable rod in my c**k. Because thats what chicks dig, you dumbass.

Now move, I'm gon drink this brew, smash the can on my head, smear myself head to toe in oil and then wrestle another man in a manner that weds us in the customs of many Asian countries.
Awright later y'all. I'm gonna go read a book and enhance the size of a certain part of my male body. Hasta.