Sunday, July 20, 2008

wereallnumberone #9: white pimps got all the game

Its Hard out here for a (White) Pimp.

In my last days as a judicial officer at the University of Arizona, I had one of those "This- completely- horrifies- me- and- yet- the- feeling- that- pervades- my- being- is- not- anger- or- disgust- because- seriously-, I- don't- expect- a- whole- lot- more- from- these- bastards- I- really- don't" moments that have, unfortunately, typified the case load I'd managed in the Dean of Students Office for just over two years.

One evening, a young African-American female was invited to a party and wished to file a complaint based on events which unfolded thereupon. The theme of the party was a "Black Party." Bless her heart, she assumed this meant that everyone would wear black.

Well. Close.

Sidebar: Arizona is an effed up state when it comes to race relations and racism. It makes Alabama look like Vermont. I say Vermont because I am just foolish enough to believe that Vermont does not have racism. Mostly because there aren't races there (just the one – really white). And because Montpelier ( just seems like it would be a friendly place with the syrup and leaves changing and what not. Wait. That was the sidebar's sidebar.


Ok, back to Arizona's effed up race relations. Y'all know Az. was like the last place on earth to have a Martin Luther King Day? I think we barely beat like Rhode Island. And they have a Brown University. South Africa had a MLK Day before Arizona did.

Anyway, Public Enemy even made a song about Arizona's embedded institutional racism. "By the Time I get to Arizona." see for a half-assed mashup ... all I could find). It was awesome. They killed the governor in that video. White folk went crazy. Black folks … didn't notice. Not our fault. Didn't see that video because Hammer was blowing up at the time.

Anyhow, people out here vehemently resisted MLK day's inception back in the day. C'mon people. It's a government holiday. Paid vacation. Chris Rock was right … its not like you have to do black s&%t on MLK day. Sit your ass at home and let us march. Who cares?

And Arizona only has one MLK Building. One. In the entire effin state. Tucson has no MLK Blvd. Which is good. Too few black people here in town for us to be killin' each other on MLK Street like every other city in the country. Ever wonder if like Des Moines has an MLK Blvd.? And if its gangsta as hell on that one street? While you think about Des Moines Iowa's gangsta, enjoy this street poem by DJ Quik: As I am fond of saying, "its like poetry."

Ok, back to the Black Party. So it was a "Black Party" where you showed up as a black person. At first, I thought the young black woman was filing the complaint because she did not win "Best Costume." Apparently, her complaint was due to the fact that dozens of white folk showed up at this party dressed as gangstas, hoods, hoes, pimps, and one showed up as a grape soda factory. Evidently racists can have notable senses of humor.

And immediately I thought why do people always jump to "gangsta" when they think of black people? I mean, Fitty and Cube do that shit in a studio. Capone did it on the streets. And he was white. And why we always gotta be hoes? If a hoe is someone that shows ass and turns ass up in the air for money, then chickenheads like Paris Hilton come to mind. And all of Hef's girls. And the Pussycat Dolls (and I don't think any of them is black. Or talented for that matter. I wish they'd "Button" their lips shut.).

And seriously … white pimps got all the game. White pimps (ok italian, but them n%^&&*s look white to me until they start talkin) got all the game in Vegas and Hollywood. We hustle and flow. Bob Barker? He aint gotta hustle for shit. He got a crazy number of females round him, and he pimp them out hard on TPIR Plus, with all the money he got invested in private prisons in Arizona and Cali, he is turning hundreds of not thousands of young men into somebody's hoe every year.

And what about Donald Trump? First off, he got a lot of pimp qualities. Funny hair, irrational love of gold, and he's always lying about his money (he declares bankruptcy once a lunar year). Second of all, he's such a good pimp that he can actually whore himself out. He never has to go chasing bitches for money… all he gotta do is shake his self down.

What about out in cartoon land? There's Hank Hill, who once punked out Alabaster Jones (reppin that OKC till he die!) often drives his dad's Cadillac car, and pimps out "Lady Propane" to all of Arlen, Texas. And Papa Smurf (k, so he aint white … he certainly aint black!). Ok, there's one girl in smurf land. And he's her dad. And it's a lot of smurfs in smurfland and I aint ever heard any mention of Smurfs being hermaphroditic or capable of reproducing without copulation. That means Smurfette has gotta be givin it up. And if she givin it up for free, she stoopid. And you know Papa Smurf has gotta be getting a cut of that.

Then you got Tony Mottola. Marries a fully clothed, demure, coy Mariah Carey (before: and after then turns her loose, half naked and collaborating with Ol Dirty Bastard. All the while recording for Sony (Mottola's record company). That dude turned Mariah out, then she started, as Paul Mooney put it, "humping anything black, including flipped over barstools" and he made the money off of it. Straight Pimpin.

Then there was the Barrett-Jackson car auctioneer I heard yesterday, who claimed that as a man's man, he was "very interested in Carol Shelby's Super Snake." Wow. I've heard it called a lot of different names. But never a "super snake." A gay pimp! That shit is revolutionary.

Oh, you say the "Super Snake" is a car?

And then there's female athletes sports' agents … which have us more interested in looking up Maria Sharapova's skirt than in looking up her service stats. And Jessica Simpson's dad, who I think is a Rev (which so qualifies him to be a pimp). Seriously, when he complimented Jessica's body on E! (he literally said "and what a rack … she's like a DD"), it qualified as the creepiest moment involving incest since Angelina Jolie frenched her brother at that awards show.

Then there's the world's greatest pimp. Hef. Think about it. He samples all the goods. He has a ho-house. You gotta pay for the T and A ($4.99 or so a copy). He never falls in love with any of his hoes. And his game is so tight, he has a staff of people to slap bitches for him (I read he has sensitive skin and his hands callous easily). Ok, the last part is made up. But you feel me.

I'm just sayin … Snoop Dogg, Iceberg Slim, Bishop Don Magic Juan, and their ilk are squirrels trying to get proverbial nuts compared to these cats. And I just think that the kids who threw this "Black Party" are giving us too much credit by lauding us as the world's best pimps. We're flattered, really.

Next time, if they wanna be accurate, they should really reflect who we are. Kings and Queens. Doctors and Lawyers. Astronauts and Chemists. Teachers and Policemen.

And Red Kool-Aid Factories. Last I checked, Grape Soda wasn't really poppin on the streets like it did back in the day, whereas that Red Kool-Aid is always talkin' bout somethin. Already.

So in conclusion, eff white people at U of Arizona who throw black parties. And because I'm sure they're somehow to blame for it, eff Sumner Redstone and Viacom.

I'll holla. Viva Trick Baby.

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