Monday, July 14, 2008

wereallnumberone #7: Bum Chicka Wow ... Wow

One of the higher rated commercial series in recent years has been the Axe Body Spray. I've been revolted by both the smell of and the advertisements for Axe Bodyspray for far too long to have refrained from cyber-busting the company's ass for it. So here goes.

First of all, I realize that ambergris is often the base for many perfumes. After all, of the many uses of sperm whale excretions one could conjure, perfume would likely be the first, no? The problem is that it is a base for perfumes, not the perfume itself. On the real, a bodyspray should not smell like an animal's excretion ... much less like the excretion of a drunken vagabond who, after urinating on hair, setting it on fire, then wrapping it in donkey shite, pig bladder, and then lighting it afire in a ritual sacrifice somehow liquefied and then bottled the smell for the consumers. Of course, in the event that a bodyspray did smell like that, it would need some slick A and D to market it.

Enter Axe Body Spray.

Featuring commercials with bedheaded, be-skechered dorks who clearly draw inspiration from the "cool wells" of hot rockstars, actors and fonts of culture , we are thrust into a world where allegedly attractive women become inspired to hurl themselves onto these unsuspecting douches simply because they have doused themselves in the aforementioned malodorous fixture. Seriously, no one above an IQ of 19 or who has had sex 1.3 (see footnote) times or more in his lifetime would be so desperate as to bathe himself in the mixture of isopropyl alcohol and broken dreams that is Axe Bodyspray. And double seriously, if you are a self-respecting, intelligent, strong, independent woman who goes apes#$t when a man approaches you smelling like hyena ejaculate, then I hope Gloria Steinem shows up at your door tomorrow morning and kicks you in the cooter.

No, I dont mean that.

I hope Angela Davis totally gaps your fro in such a manner that that s$%t cant be covered up with any kinda part and you totally have to either wear a scarf for like four weeks or totally trim the entire fro to make up for it. Like this: (the "gap" is in the back by the word "fader." You aint foolin us, Erykah ...

Anyhow, between the stank juice that is Axe Bodyspray, the lames that employ its use, and the women who go ass-up for them (sounds like a Springer episode), I kinda got to wondering where else there's money to be made in the "I-cover-myself-in-odd-s%&t-and-hoes-come-flockin'" market. Here's the first ten things I thought of ...

New Axe Body Spray Fragrances:
10) Ass - comes in "Pancake" if you like white girls, "Onion" if you like sistas, and so on and so on ... you know, "Green T (and A)" and "Enchiladass."
9) Scandalwood - you'll be the talk of the town when you go out after all of the hot chicks at Berkeley. The smell? Halfway between the earthy, subtle tones of patchouli and underarm and foot stank. Bottle comes in the shape of this guy's head:
8) Poot - Sound of spray is silent, but deadly. Also leaves streaks on white clothing.
7) fromunda cheese - I just gagged and vomited at the same time. Ga-vomited. Just imagine rotten bacon.
6) Santorum - Best. Effing. Neologism. As the result of. A Google Bomb. EVER. Again, gavomiting.
5) Mrs. Dubois Peach Cobbler - Yeah, Riley. That do look like thow-up. Also available in "Pork Flavored Broccoli."
4) Paris' Draws - Vinegar with undertones of burning lumber. I'm guessing.
3) "Stankonia" - Kinda like "Poot" but aimed at the urban market. Rahzel beatboxes a bowel movement in the background of the commercial and all the hoes maul Questlove. Or Bootsy Collins. First cool Axe commercial ever. Immediately discontinued for lack of continuity. "Bom chicka wow wow" replaced by "Bom ova bag dad."
2) Down Low - Commercial features Freddie Jackson singing to Ne-Yo. Smells like "Lying to your wife by telling her you and the guys will be playing poker." Heh. More like "Poke-him."
This guy knows what I'm talking about (points out random dude in the crowd that likes UFC).
And the worst (aka best) new Axe BodySpray?
1) The Iraq War Justification - Stinks to high effin heaven, n'est-ce pas? And if experience tells us anything, 70% of all Americans will jump all the eff over it.

Aight. I'm out. I gotta go take a shower after that ... just thinkin bout how Axe smell got my mouth tasting like pennies and tofu burps.

In the words of ODB:
Oooooh baby I like it raw!!!
-- ODB, "Shimmy Shimmy Ya"

*Coitus = 1.0. I'm counting everything else, e.g. dirty sanchezes, columbian mine workers, Hotel Rwandas, and charlie chaplins as .1.

1 comment:

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