Monday, July 14, 2008

wereallnumberone #8: Crying Over Loose Juice (Seriously, Folks, Let OJ Go)

On possibly the world's #1 scapegoat for all pro athletes getting away with murder. What a poor metaphor ...

The other morning while in the gym, I heard a DJ bust a joke in which he basically stated that if any celebrity were going to have a yard sale or auction in which they sold their clothes for charity, he'd want to buy OJ's pants and underwear. Because he's certain that when the verdict was read, he probably shit gold.

First of all, this joke has three qualities that usually render a joke unfunny, and thus, unworthy of proper response:

1) It was born in and currently resides in Nebraska. Wait for it …
2) Seriously, who shits gold? Who eats gold? This guy No wait, that was his old skin. And Smokes and Pancakes. Maybe this guy ? No wait, that's not gold. Those must be made of lead. The kind you find in paint chips. And after you eat them for many years … you know its just not as funny when I have to explain it …
3) Finally, of all the metaphors to describe "expression of shock" this guy chooses "shit gold." Really. Try harder, Testicles-Which-Have-Lost-Feeling. How about "Had a Pig Nut" Or "Was as Happy as a Littuhl Guhrl" God bless expressionism. Or maybe "He was like a fat sunuhbitch on his 9th doughnut outta dozen … you know, that really is the sweet spot, you got plenty of donut in your stomach so you're nice and full, so you're beginning to chew more and thus releasing more of the flavor and enzymes and shit is collaborating in your stomach givin you itis and then you fall asleep and you know when you wake up you still got three more doughnuts and its like life is good."

Seriously, either of those could work.

But the reason I took notice was because the joke seemed revelatory. This muhfuka still hung up over OJ. Damn. That shit was like in '96. We still thought Kriss Kross and Hammer was gonna make comebacks back then (just turn your pants around and do the "Typewriter." Do it. You know you love it … and now I've lost you …). Gore was still inventing the internet and Clinton hadn't even tapped Lewinsky yet (that we know of). Poor Clinton. If he were black he woulda been in "I'll Bee Dat" by Redman ( Bush was hemmin' up Brothas ( and executing the mentally ill ( instead of turning Iraq into DisneyMesopotamia.

Not to belittle Nicole Simpson and the other dude, nor to editorialize about OJ's guilt or non-guilt (my blackness will not permit me to comment), but damn. Seriously. Get the eff over it. There have been worse transgressions in American history. There have been worse transgressions in L.A. history. There have been worse transgressions in Tulsa County, Oklahoma ( I guess folks remember it because usually brothers get locked up and get way worse than they deserve, and this one was notable because its likely he got way less than he deserved.

But rich people get 'off' all the time. Martha Stewart called up the cops was like "Oh, I got jail time? I'll be there like week after Memorial Day, kthxbyewhatvrs." And athletes skate on the regular. Ray Lewis killed like two people and didn't even have to miss the Super Bowl. And Joe Namath was drunk in public and raped Suzy Kolber's face on national TV and didn't get time ( And black folks are getting away with it more than ever, which is a sign of, if nothing else, that the Civil Rights Act is finally taking effect (I was drankin' at a fountain up front like 3 minutes ago and, when I make bail, I'll probably be out within the hour. This is Louisiana though, so, you know, iss prolly better for y'all wherever y'all are). So a rich, black, athlete getting away with it should totally not be this big a deal to someone in 2007.

But this dude is still beefin over OJ. Wow. Think of the inverse. How often you hear black comedians and DJs and pundits talking bout James Earl Ray, or whatever white government official killed Martin Luther the King? Or Medgar's killer, who got sentenced to life like 400 years after the crime was committed. His coffin is in the State Pen now, for life. And how about Tupac and Biggie's killers? C'mon, had to be white dudes ( Granted, Tupac is not dead. If Shakespeare continued to release posthumously the way Tupac has, he would have written the DaVinci Code.

What about all the white dudes who killed the blues and have never been brought to justice (yes you, Robert Plant, Mick Jagger, Elvis Presley, and the insufferable Jonny Lang. Will all of you please shut … the … eff … up) Seriously. These guys massacre Muddy Waters, Howlin' Wolf, and Albert King every time they open their mouths and fret their guitars.

And what about the white dude that killed The Jacksons? Michael, I think his name was. Horrible, horrible what has happened to Jermaine. He was gonna be a big star. He was as passable a vocalist as Daryl Hall and he played bass way better than John Oates (he was prolly as good as Rick James, even though he had a coiff kinda like Odell in Jackie Brown) And who knows what could have been of Tito …

All I'm saying is, injustice, like s$%t, happens. And over time, we are charged with moving forward in spite of it and working towards ridding the world of it. Or at least reducing it somewhat. So some of us don't eat meat. Others don't purchase diamonds. Others still don't use vehicles that burn gasoline and me, well, I raise money so that cats who ball for my school get money to pay for an education which many of them could not otherwise afford in this free country. So maybe that DJ should drop his day job, get a J.D., and prepare himself for the next time when a Hertz Rent-a-Car pitchman ( offs a white girl and her boyfriend (allegedly).

Cuz you know those Hertz Rent-a-Car guys. They loooove white women.

In the words of the immortal ODB:

"I'm a minute away from feelin' no sympathy!!!"
---ODB, "Run Dirty Run"

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